I’m still writing morning pages.
Not every day, but most days. Although it’s an OK exercise, they don’t seem to be developing; in fact, they seem to be degenerating in their quality. Now I write about interesting things which happened the previous day, plans for the day ahead, and any strange dreams I had. They’re almost like a micro-diary. I can’t seem to tap into that subconscious rambling which I felt I was subtly detecting when I started doing them.
On the other hand, when I re-read previous entries they do seem more interesting in retrospect than when I am writing them. And there are still aspects of them which I don’t remember writing at the time.
Running after T, but the faster I try to run, the heavier and slower are my steps. I push so hard, and even try running backwards, just to catch up and spend some time with him. It doesn’t work. I catch his eye. They’re blue. Holds my gaze just slightly longer than normal. In that moment I am certain but as soon as he breaks the look I realise it wasn’t him, but an older, mottled version of him who held my gaze. Does he know I would walk for extra miles just to talk longer?
That fleeting feeling, fleeting but it sometimes lasts all day – of a dream – when the emotions you felt in that dream permeate your real life. It seems only to apply (for me, at least) to bad dreams. For at least the first hour of waking I get this ‘something awful has happened’ feeling. It gradually fades.
Ed is making coffee and the rain is battering against the windows. It’s very windy. It’s Sunday. Need to catch up with OU work today. Feel very groggy.
The other day I was riding my bike past a bird singing in the dark. ‘How lovely’, I thought to myself. But then I realised it was a spinning extractor fan. Sad.
Meeting TB at 4pm today. Kinda hope he pulls out so I have more time to work. Ah well. Skin is cold but insides feel warm. Have brought out the bright light to ward off winter blues. Hope it works.
So you can see what I mean – it’s mainly circumstantial thoughts, but perhaps once every two days maybe an interesting image appears. Today it was the bird singing into the dark night, which turned out to be an extractor fan.
Has anybody else had interesting experiences with morning pages?